What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
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I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
never ask a starfish for directions
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”