My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
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I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.