Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer