We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
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Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
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If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered