We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
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Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “