Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice