Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
You Might Also Like
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Pickled cat.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something