@WilliamAder

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

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@iwearaonesie

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

@GabbbarSingh

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

@ROTTENFEMUR

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

@Lovestained555

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

@iwearaonesie

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

@SteveKoehler22

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

@MikeBigby

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine