Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
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SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
the last thing a carrot sees
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……