Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
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me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.