Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
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[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Taliband
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.