Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
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me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Ape together strong
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here