Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
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me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no