I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
You Might Also Like
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Meow
Best misinterpreted text ever!
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan