Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
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(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.