how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
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Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits