how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
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6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice