We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
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*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
@funTweeters
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.