I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
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It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.