Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
You Might Also Like
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Extremely relatable.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.