Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
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realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Pandas 🐼🖤
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun