The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
You Might Also Like
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Current mood: Potato
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar