*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.