[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
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[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?