My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
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That’s what I call a flat tire
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later