My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
You Might Also Like
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore