[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
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WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
how to have fun when you’re poor
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes