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Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.