Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
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[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out