Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
You Might Also Like
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.