me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
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My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!