We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
ok like just. call me at this point
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.