MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
![]()
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
![]()
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it