Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
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I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.