me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
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6. me as a lawyer
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.