like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
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Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.