I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
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There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.