wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
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Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep