first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!