First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Wait for it
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds