Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
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[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
what does he know…
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Alexa: *deep breath*
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby