[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
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The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I love art.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect