listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
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McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.