[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Ferrari squats
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house