Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
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[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL