Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
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I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Air pods looking like an angry frog
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
me irl
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son