ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
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I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.