[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
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CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Do not levitate over flowers
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?