[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
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Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then