Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
You Might Also Like
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”