I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
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I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My favorite female superhero
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady