Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
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I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
These are too funny not to post 😂
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
My daily affirmation
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Fights fire with marshmallows
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”