I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
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Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Happy Caturday!
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons