Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
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Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I have a type: disappointing
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂