I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
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I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
eggs benadryl
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Me when someone tries to get to know me
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday